Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Grievous Plums

I was recently diagnosed as having a vitamin D deficiency - a very minor problem in the grand scheme of things, albeit one that explained why, for the last ten years or so, I have:

  1. struggled to do things which involved hard, physical work,
  2. struggled to do things which involved light, physical work,
  3. struggled to do things which involved little to no work whatsoever,
  4. struggled to do things,
  5. struggled to sit around not doing things, and, finally, generally just
  6. struggled.
Picture of me struggling ecause holding a paperback hurt my arms. Because HOLDING A PAPERBACK HURT MY BASTARDING ARMS!

I was aware of vitamin D deficiency as a thing, although I assumed that it was not a thing of which I was afflicted due to the many blood tests which I have had which would surely have alerted the NHS to such a problem.

But, as it turns out - despite the fact that I have been turning up at general practitioners offices for the last decade or so complaining of symptoms which sound suspiciously like vitamin D deficiency, not one of them has so far ticked the little box which would have the boys and girls down at the lab assess my richly red ichor's vit-D levels. And I'm not really sure why that is.

The problem with turning up at the GP and listing 'tiredness' as one of your symptoms is that they look at you with a look so smarmy that you could use it to spread battery acid on white noise.



The other problem with GPs is that they're the worst people in the universe. Essentially, they are testament to the sad fact that a highly intelligent person can be devoid of:

  1. Imagination,
  2. Curiosity, and
  3. Ambition
I don't know about you, but if I had spent the best part of a decade learning the intricacies of the human body, I wouldn't then want to use that knowledge as a means to sit in a drab room and not solve people's medical mysteries.

GPs are like intellectual carbon capture - they absorb a fuck load of vital information and then just sink to the bottom of the data ocean - protecting said information from falling into the wrong hands - or the right hands - or any other part of the body that might need healing.

But, on the other hand, they're probably not all that bad. 

Plus, I think I tend to feel worst at the beginning of Spring, i.e. at the end of the time when the sun isn't bright enough to help you produce vitamin D, but by the time I've actually got in to see my GP it's mid-summer so if they did test my vitamin D it would probably looked normal. 

Waiting times. Really long fucking waiting times.

RECENT MISTAKES
  
  1. Spending the last decade going to GPs when it would literally have been quicker to just train as a doctor myself,
  2. repeatedly removing my trousers upon entering the doctor's office despite not being asked to, and on one occasion being specifically asked not to,
  3. not dressing as some sort of labrador in order to gain access to the GP's less dead-eyed cousin - the veterinarian.

ANALYSIS

While this has all been a massive waste of time and energy - energy which I didn't have in the first place - the good news is that you can now rate your GP on the NHS website!
This is mine, and it has noticably improved its score over the past year from a shitbaggly 2 stars to a measely 3, and I'm pretty sure that this is because they have responded to the wall-to-wall criticism that was their review section previously.


Yes, so if you want a better, more human GP, then just google 'NHS + name of your GP' and complain like fuck.

Like fuck.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Trickle Treat

Over here in England, we are currently going through an election. If you're not from England, here is a summary of the five main parties:

  1. Conservatives - the bad guys,
  2. UKIP - the ultra bad yet totally ineffectual guys,
  3. Labour - the sounds good and yet inevitably aren't albeit still much better than the alternative guys,
  4. Liberal Democrats - the seemed good until they formed a coalition government with the bad guys and did little to stem the tide of malevolence guys,
  5.  Green - the seem amazing but haven't had a chance to show us why they're not guys, and
  6. SNP - the sounds Scottish and are guys 

In this campaign, one of the encumbent Conservative government's catchphrases is:




The ex-tweens and tween rearers amongst you may be picking up on the fact that this is the also the slogan of these guys:






The difference is that the high school musicalers are a group of go-getting good-timeniks who were telling each other that they were 'all in it together,' whereas the Conservative government is a group of modern day Greek Gods who have floated down from their economic Olympus to inform us plebs that we are all in the same boat.

The first reaction to this is generally:

"No we're fucking not."

But, if you think about it a bit more, I suppose we are all in it together, although the quality of being 'in this together' varies greatly depending on what 'this' is referring to. For example:


  1. The Romans and the Christians were in the colleseum together, as were the lions,
  2. Ike and Tina Turner were in a marriage together, and
  3. Many, many folks were in the human centipede together, although it was only the first in the chain who got to eat food in its pre-shit format



Which leads us on to 'trickle down' theory - the idea that having lots of rich people is beneficial to all of us because raw money will drip out of the cracks in their busted bank accounts and seep down into our mouths as we stare up at them like the slack-jawed mouth gapers that we are.

But, of course, this doesn't work. For one, rich people tend not to spend the majority of their money, and this is why they are rich of course - because they hold on to it all. The other problem is that when they do spend money, they tend to buy the sort of things that rich people buy from the sorts of places where poor people do not work, meaning that the money that does circulate doesn't make it down much further than the upper-lower middle classes. Even if they did swoop down to dogshitland to buy our twenty-bags and third-hand dirt bikes, they'd still only be paying scum prices for it all, so it's not like it would make much of a difference to anyone's lives anyway.

SUMMARY 

The slogan is pretty much accurate, and that's probably why it's so annoying. To make it 100% accurate, however, it should be expanded a little to this:

'We're all in this fucking bullshit together, and there is nothing you can do about it, muwahahahahahahahaha!'

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

VNP Beard

So, apparently you can now illegally watch HBO programmes whilst simultaneously paying HBO to watch their programmes.

"Gah?"

The explanation is less interesting than that description of it, and basically just boils down to the fact that they can't illegally stream outside the USA and are now threatening to sue all of their foreign viewers.


"Oh, so non-Yanks are signing up for it by accident?"

No, that's the thing - these people are actually going to some effort to disguise the fact that they are illegal band-aliens, downloading software which disguises their digital foreignness with a shroud of binary lies.


"So why don't they just fucking pirate it like normal criminals?"

I'm assuming that these are people who - like me - live for the thrill of petty, armchair theft and yet also have a poor understanding of how money works.



Picture of me throwing a wad of Euros at a pair of Pandas in the assumption that said action will encourage them to breed, displaying with imagery that I "have a poor understanding of how money works." It also shows that I have forgotten how I used to draw myself, hence the bad face and disappearing left arm. I will endeavour to bother to look at one of my old pictures before I once more attempt self portraiture.

Unfortunately, however, that's not even the worst thing that pirates have been up to this week - said worst being something that I encountered on the website, Kick Ass Torrents.

"Were you on there to do illegal downloads, or were you (AND THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY TO AVOID A LEGAL FACE SPLATTING) "just there for research purposes?"

Neither, I was trying to upload nudey pictures of myself.

"Tasteful or risque?"

Top half risque, bottom half tasteful.

"Nice."

Yes, but anyway, I was on Kick Ass Torrents when I was redirected to another page on which I was scalded for using advert blocking software.


WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PLAYING AT?


The scalding said, as far as I can remember.


DO YOU NOT REALISE THAT WE NEED THAT FUCKING AD REVENUE TO RUN OUR FUCKING WEBSITE?


It continued.


YOU'RE FACKING THIEVING FROM US YOU FACK.


It finished, lapsing into cockney as websites do when they are incensed.

I, meanwhile, could not help but notice the irony of the situation - said irony being that a website that based its business model on theft was now upset because people had worked out how to steal from it.

"But you wan't a platform on which to upload your nudey pics, right? You turned off your adblock software, right?"

No, fuck that. Like they say, there's no honour amongst thieves. I didn't even seed the torrent that I uploaded.

"People are really missing out there."

Indeed, but talking about missing out - what am I missing out? Basically, by keeping my adblock software on I no longer have to be subjected to wall-to-wall porn ads - ads that are sometimes for foreign brides - the underlying philosophy of these torrent sites seemingly being that human beings can and probably should be commodified whereas Iron Man 2 should be public domain.

And so: 



RECENT MISTAKES (ON BEHALF OF THE PIRATES)

  • Assuming that their thievish clientelle would never figure out how to thieve from them.
  • Pirates of the Carribean 1-4.
  • Releasing the first 4 episodes of Game of Thrones season 5 early, forcing me to watch them in low-def so that I didn't have to spend the next 4 weeks worrying about spoilers.

POST WHATEVER-THIS-WAS ANALYSIS

Yeah.

P.S.

Obviously the fact that I'm once more posting indicates that I have returned from my home planet. I will explain what I got up to on my travels, as and when I can be bothered - thank you.