Tuesday, 21 April 2015

VNP Beard

So, apparently you can now illegally watch HBO programmes whilst simultaneously paying HBO to watch their programmes.

"Gah?"

The explanation is less interesting than that description of it, and basically just boils down to the fact that they can't illegally stream outside the USA and are now threatening to sue all of their foreign viewers.


"Oh, so non-Yanks are signing up for it by accident?"

No, that's the thing - these people are actually going to some effort to disguise the fact that they are illegal band-aliens, downloading software which disguises their digital foreignness with a shroud of binary lies.


"So why don't they just fucking pirate it like normal criminals?"

I'm assuming that these are people who - like me - live for the thrill of petty, armchair theft and yet also have a poor understanding of how money works.



Picture of me throwing a wad of Euros at a pair of Pandas in the assumption that said action will encourage them to breed, displaying with imagery that I "have a poor understanding of how money works." It also shows that I have forgotten how I used to draw myself, hence the bad face and disappearing left arm. I will endeavour to bother to look at one of my old pictures before I once more attempt self portraiture.

Unfortunately, however, that's not even the worst thing that pirates have been up to this week - said worst being something that I encountered on the website, Kick Ass Torrents.

"Were you on there to do illegal downloads, or were you (AND THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY TO AVOID A LEGAL FACE SPLATTING) "just there for research purposes?"

Neither, I was trying to upload nudey pictures of myself.

"Tasteful or risque?"

Top half risque, bottom half tasteful.

"Nice."

Yes, but anyway, I was on Kick Ass Torrents when I was redirected to another page on which I was scalded for using advert blocking software.


WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PLAYING AT?


The scalding said, as far as I can remember.


DO YOU NOT REALISE THAT WE NEED THAT FUCKING AD REVENUE TO RUN OUR FUCKING WEBSITE?


It continued.


YOU'RE FACKING THIEVING FROM US YOU FACK.


It finished, lapsing into cockney as websites do when they are incensed.

I, meanwhile, could not help but notice the irony of the situation - said irony being that a website that based its business model on theft was now upset because people had worked out how to steal from it.

"But you wan't a platform on which to upload your nudey pics, right? You turned off your adblock software, right?"

No, fuck that. Like they say, there's no honour amongst thieves. I didn't even seed the torrent that I uploaded.

"People are really missing out there."

Indeed, but talking about missing out - what am I missing out? Basically, by keeping my adblock software on I no longer have to be subjected to wall-to-wall porn ads - ads that are sometimes for foreign brides - the underlying philosophy of these torrent sites seemingly being that human beings can and probably should be commodified whereas Iron Man 2 should be public domain.

And so: 



RECENT MISTAKES (ON BEHALF OF THE PIRATES)

  • Assuming that their thievish clientelle would never figure out how to thieve from them.
  • Pirates of the Carribean 1-4.
  • Releasing the first 4 episodes of Game of Thrones season 5 early, forcing me to watch them in low-def so that I didn't have to spend the next 4 weeks worrying about spoilers.

POST WHATEVER-THIS-WAS ANALYSIS

Yeah.

P.S.

Obviously the fact that I'm once more posting indicates that I have returned from my home planet. I will explain what I got up to on my travels, as and when I can be bothered - thank you. 
 

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