Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Good, Dumbass!

When you have a blog, you have access to a page of stats. Usually you look at this in order to give yourself reason to think,

"Why don't more people like me?"

but recently I have also noticed that it has a list of Google searches which have directed people to me.

Many of these are hilarious.

And the fact that I am finding out about them means that this blog is now a perpetual nonsense machine.

ANYWAY!
Here are my favourites.

bow ties good or bad



my puss

Phrasing. 

Strange phrasing. 

Was this person actually expecting pictures of their vagina/cat to come up as a result of this? Google doesn't know who you are, idiot, you need to give some more information!

Maybe their puss was actually on my blog though? As far as I can remember, the only vagina I've drawn on here was that of a German pig. Is this proof that continental livestock are using the internet to research their own genitals?

Yes.

Yes it is. 



the reason people click like in facebook

Three reasons:

  1. Because they like the thing which they are clicking 'like' to
  2. Because one of their whiny friends has said something particularly mopey, and they want to make them feel worse about themselves (as well they should)
  3. Because they fancy the person, and it's like the cyber equivalent of pulling their hair 


breat inflation water

Really?



men on men


Sounds like my kind of porn. 

None of this two fellers arsing about palaver, I wanna see one gang of guys smashing in another gang of guys, like a game of paint-ball with infective camouflage and a monochrome paint scheme.


manhourse blog


I was confused by this at first.

Where they trying to type:

  1. man-hours, or
  2. man horse
Then I remembered what a hotbed the internet was for bad spelling and sexual deviance, and worked out that what they were actually trying to type was:

MAN WHORES



fuck my shitter


She probably just backed straight out of my blog. Which is a shame, as that is totally a service I would have provided.

"You assume it was a she?"

Oh no, you're right! 

It could have been a man!

But I imagined it!

I IMAGINED IT!!! 



virus that make you stronger

I don't know if there's a virus that would make you stronger personally, unknown Google user, but I'm pretty sure that if you were to catch a fatal cocktail of AIDS, hepatitis, and ebola, that would certainly make the species stronger overall.

"You know that finding clever ways to call stupid people stupid doesn't work. It's like buttering toast with a knife made out of jam."

I don't get it.

"Exactly."



trench coat wank


Wanking in a trench coat is something that perverts traditionally do when confronted by something which they have the horn for.

And now perverts have the perv for pervs caught mid-perving?

The internet.

Fucking hell.

A round of applause for the creativity of depravity ladies and gentlemen!



teenage mutant ninja turtles porn


There was none of this on my blog.

UNTIL NOW THAT IS!

nipple mistakes


When I was younger, a lad I knew had his nipple pierced.

He was running one day.

He tripped.

He now has half as many nipples and considerably less skin.

This the kind of thing you're looking for?


hey owlman fuck off 

Owlman was this cartoon strip which I done.

THIS.

And he really isn't the sort of chap who likes to be told to where he might be fuck.



And so to all of you search engine Sallys, I say this.

BEWARE!

And welcome!

Welcome to Recent Mistakes!

Giving you what you need, ever since you stopped wanting it! 

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Starting in the Middle



Recently I've made friends with a fellow writer, a relationship that began with us providing some feedback on each others work. There is a friendly rivalry there. I suspect she may be smarter than me. She knows all the things that I wish I knew.

The other day she messaged me a confusing barrage of messages, the gist of which was that she'd been asked by the university if she wanted to read out one of her short stories.

And I had not.

This filled me with a confusing mix of emotions, as I felt proud of my friend, angry that I hadn't been picked, and also strangely satisfied with the weird cocktail of emotions that our relationship was serving me. 

Click pictures to enlarge
Prangrified

HOWEVER!

It turned out I had also been picked, and I’d just mis-read the message, because I’m an idiot.

I decided to have my lovely friend read my piece out, as it was written under a pseudonym I use, meaning I couldn’t really attach my face to it without souring the sweet mystery of anonymity. Of course this ended up being pointless, as she was introduced under my full name, making things simply confusing. 

She looks better than that obviously, but alas, I cannot draw

We’d been told to provide about a minute each, or 100 words, and this was something that we both stuck to rigidly as we are good little pupils. On the night though, it became apparent that everyone else had thought:

“Fuck that, my writing is so amazing that I shall read out my entire short story, as anything else would be a crime against the arts worse than when KFC replaced the Venus de Milo’s arms with chicken drumsticks as part of a bizarrely specific advertising campaign aimed at amputee fetishists.”


Clearly she posed for this statue before ‘cheese’ was invented.

She did a wonderful job anyway, even accidentally adding the word ‘not’ into the last sentence to reverse the meaning of my story’s ending! She felt bad about that, although she shouldn’t, because it just provided some humour. Well, humour for me anyway, I’m sure everyone else just thought:

“This piffling story extract by the man with the made-up name has a strangely weak ending.”

At the thing, we got talking to another lad on our course, and we found out the following about him:

  • He was getting marks in the 80’s, despite starting most of his assignments late, and having skipped straight to the second year.
  • He was disappointed that his girlfriend was only going to be an average, run-of-the-mill neuroscientist, rather than the globe-trotting brain boffin that he had hoped for
  • He’s my age, yet looks even younger than I do (and looking young for your age is my thing!)

Annoyingly, we both really liked him too, although we have now decided that we must crush him for doing better than us.

“You realise he wouldn’t care if he found this out? You making fun of his achievements behind is back is like a slug taking revenge on a person by eating all their salt when they’re not looking.”



After the thing, my friend and I decided to get some gin, and then we went back to hers.

“But you don’t drink? I certainly assume that this wasn’t all just some ploy to get her drunk to let her know that you had some sort of disgusting feeling for her anyway, seeing as your last post was all about how you were weaning yourself of girls.”

Shut up! 

And the gist of my last post was that I didn’t want to just go out with any girl, but my friend, my Fay, she is not just any girl.

“You shouldn’t end the post on that sentence. It sounds like an outtake from a direct to VHS Titanic sequel written by Tommy Wiseau.”

Err...

She is like literally the woman of my dreams?

“How is that not every bit as bad, you fucking goon?”

Mainly because I have such excruciatingly horrifying dreams.

Like this.

But still. 

She is so, so... 

(*!%£^$!$!@$@£%$%&^&$@!£$!!!!$$^$%£%£$%@)

Expletetive.  




p.s. This should be the resumption of normal posting. 

Hello! 

Hello!!!

(UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE - It wasn't - I go on a 3 year hiatus not long after this. Woops. But I'm back now, baby. I'm back now.)



Friday, 1 June 2012

Where are you?

Wonderful things are happening to me. Also, painful and irritating things, largely involving bike tires and my testicles. Not in combination. But still.

ANYWAY

My posting may be sporadic for a period until I can get a handle on recent events.