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And I like that song too, so just imagine what I'll do to you if you don't get me my money!
"Aren't you a little young to be making jokes about the Osmonds?"
Are we not the same age?
"It would lack imagination on your part if your split-personalities were all the same age as you."
Yeah, I suppose.
Wait, personalities? As in more than just you?
Anyway, I suppose the gone-off nougat filling of my middling twenties wasn't a total tote-bag of toss, but some problems did arise which vastly reduced my ability to function as a realistically unrealistic person.
The first thing to happen was that I had to move back in with my parents for a spell, and ended up putting loads of weight back on (having been an obese child), as a result of sandwich sandwiches. And yes, I am talking about sandwiches with a filling of other sandwiches.
Oh eck, this is the wrong sandwich picture innit.
I didn't realise it then, but there's a fairly direct link between my physical health and some fairly fun mental issues, including:
- Depression, and
The word 'anxiety' undersells it to a point though, as I'd describe it more as an overwhelming feeling of dread.
"Could you illustrate dread as some sort of amusing cartoon, to keep the mood light?"
Well, I bought a book on cartoon facial expressions, and this is what it told me to do for dread:
How I'd describe it though would be that it was like sitting in the mouth of a T-Rex, constantly filled with the notion that the jaw could clamp down at any moment, and eventually getting to the point where you wish it would just happen already, so that you don't have to worry about it any more.
And it's not good, when something as simple as catching a train carries with it the same level of stress as that an undercover FBI agent will experience at a Mafia initiation ceremony.
I do have pictures, but the feds asked me not to use them in case I blow little Tony 'meatballs' Configlio from the Bronx's cover.
Then there was the depression, which I think was largely brought about from being anxious and tired all the time, and the delusions, which I still don't really want to talk about, in case someone tells me:
"Oh no, that wasn't a delusion, that was actually happening."
So clearly I am much better now!
"If it was all just from a lack of being healthy, why not just be healthy?"
Ah, well, you see, I also had another problem which was running concurrently, which was that I felt tired all the time. I mean, like unusually tired. Like waking up some days and feeling like I'd run a marathon when all I'd done the day before was walk to the shop to buy glitter, glue and a Curly-Wurly so that I might vajohnson myself tired.
Those images are too risqué for this website, but you can see my top ten vajhonsoning tips here.
I couldn't really work out why I was so tired, so frequently, which led me to self-diagnosing myself with the following:
- Chronic fatigue syndrome,
- some sort of zombie virus,
- iron deficiency,
- gypsy curse,
- the vapours, and
Diabetes was promising, mainly because I had most of the symptoms. I got quite excited actually, thinking:
"Yes, this is it! I'm gonna get diagnosed with something, and they'll just give me some drugs, and all will be well!"
But I didn't have diabetes. Which was, you know, good I suppose?
Except that, if you don't have it, but you do have most of the symptoms, what is the difference really?
Eventually though, I worked out what was causing my fatigue...
and it was pretty shit really...
"What was it? Perhaps some sort of wasting disease?"
No, not AIDS...
Basically, I've just got flat feet...
Like a duck.
According to where I found this, that duck is a vibrator. He looks like he fucking loves it too! Imagine that little chap staring up into your eyes from between the bubbles in your bubble bath.
Yes, so now that I have the knowledge of what makes me so tired, I am able to look after myself better, mainly by wearing running shoes when I have to walk long distances and doing loads of stretches.
"So you were mentally raped for four years because of inappropriate footwear?"
Although I'm sorted now, I do worry that there's a mallard out there with the feet of a human, going through what I did but in reverse.
I thought I was the bees knees after I drew this, then I saw this incredibly similar picture on Facebook two days later. Is the internet stealing me brain? Yes. It is.