Thursday, 2 August 2012

A Dope Beat to Step To




If you're a child reading this, and you are only just now finding out that the dog poo fairy isn't real, then I can only apologise. But why should I? Life is hard kids, and if you're not cleaning up the poo of some animal you're supposedly superior to, then you're doing something equally as laborious and trying like designing a new type of drill or writing 'Stairway to Heaven.'

"Kids don't know what 'Stairway to Heaven' is."

Yes. That's the only way we can tell them apart from adults.

"That you're aware of."

That I'm aware of.


I'm from Preston. Blackpool are our rivals. It just goes to show how utterly devoid of imagination they are when they make their own stickers, on which they can write whatever they want, and the best they can imagine is 'second best.' Whereas I can imagine this:

EVERYONE LOVES PRESTON

IT IS THE UNIVERSES NUMBER 1 TEAM AND ALL THE PEOPLE THERE HAVE PENISES SHAPED LIKE SCRAPPY DOO

"You lost control of your imagination towards the end there."

Fuck. 


Ooo, this gripes me!

Olympic athletes advertising for fast food chains!?

If she wants to do this, then the bitch should test positive for Subway before every race.

"What?"

They should stick one of those bum cameras up her bum, and have a look about to make sure she's loaded up on dirty sandwiches. And, if she's not, she should have to chuck a load down her throat before she's allowed to race.

"And a nice simile to wrap things up?"

It's like the Dalai Lama advertising land mines.   


 These are some draws that I like.



The greatest supermarket aisle in the world, combining my two favourite things:

  • shitting
  • strong alcohol 
I could live the rest of my life quite happily shopping only on this aisle.

"Yeah, but the rest of your life would only be like 3 weeks or something."

They've probably got that nice, soft toilet roll that doesn't make you bleed too. I should buy more lottery tickets.


If she was ashamed afterwards, she must not have been doing it right. The same thing goes for masturbation. If you feel ashamed after masturbation, there is something wrong with you, and you should just hand yourself into the police before you act out whatever vile, twisted thing it is you keep fantasising about. 

Or, just think about  Ken Dodd.

Like I do.



These aren't brazil nuts.

They're peanuts. 

With a picture of radio sport's pundit, Alan Brazil on the packaging.

This is needlesly confusing.

Some other good one's would be:

  • Alan Shearer's (it has a picture a sheep on the package, as if it contained sheep shearers, but actually it's just full of alan keys, all of which are the same size)
  • Swank Seducers (there's a picture of Hilary Swank on the side, as if the product contained some sort of unusually specific date rape drug, but actually it's just some really posh condoms which work as a tool of seduction for some reason)
  • Bush Repellent (you think it's designed to keep away Former President George W. Bush, but actually it just makes your vagina smell like whatever it is that bears don't like)

"None of them were good."

True that bruv.

 


Water - Good for Hydration!
Dynamite - Good for Exploding shit!
Barry White albums - Good for unplanned pregnancies!  



What sort of problem are the council, i.e. the organisation responsible for fuck-all, going to solve at 3 o' clock in the morning, via a remote control room? Actual answers would be appreciated, although not necessarily read. 

2 comments:

  1. Aisle 13 is like a metaphor for life. Something about getting shit-faced that I couldn't possibly hope to understand.

    Water can hydrate you these days? When I were a lad, the only thing known to hydrate a human being was the meat sweat at the bottom of a corned beef tin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That meat sweat is still the only liquid that can be used to lubricate those cancer holes that people have in their throats

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