And also, like most people, I use my phone as a wake-up alarm.
It went off this morning in fact, so I snoozed it and placed it under my pillow to dampen the noise on it's next orchestrated noise blitz, before laying in wait of the next dreaded assault .
Somehow, in my sleeping condition, I managed to have the greatest idea ever!
What happened was that, rather than pulling my phone out to hit the button marked 'snooze,' I simply headbutted my pillow, and amazingly:
THIS FUCKING WORKS!
Click pictures to enlarge
This fucking works a treat.
And it's more satisfying than realising that your turkey and bacon weren't stolen by the Christmas cat bugler after all: they're actually in the oven, wallowing in each other's sizzling hot juices, as he must of put them on to cook just before he tripped over his own swag bag and accidentally broke his neck upon hearing how much the reward for his capture had risen to on the brand new digital radio you had earlier found in a ditch.
Another thing to come up this week is that my new job will apparently entail more hours than I expected...
I currently work two hours shifts, Monday-Friday, as a cleaner to support my strange lifestyle. When I move to Manchester I will be transferring my cleaning job to somewhere in that city, as my company has their marigold gloved fingers in office pies all over the country.
I am now being told that my new job will see me working four hour shifts, Monday-Friday. This is a problem as one of the main reasons for me moving back to Manchester is so I can do more cool stuff mid-week, such as:
- Fight club
- Urban fox hunting
- Gay tantric underwater salsa yoga
- Cock fights
- German lessons
- Getting mugged at screwdriver point
If I work these longer shifts though, I will be finishing work too late to do any of these things. So it's not even a Catch 22, I'm just fucked.
Martin Luther King had a dream too, and we all know how that panned out.
So possibly I'm moving back back to the city only to be in a position in which I can't take advantage of it, i.e. uh oh.
Id just fake my own death for the insurance money if I wasn't:
- Immortal, and