Friday, 23 March 2012

Teenage? Mutant? Ninja? Turtles?

Yeah, so you've probably heard that in the new, Michael Bay produced, 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' movie, the protagonists will be aliens rather than what their name would actually suggest. This seems to present problems for every single word in that title.




TEENAGE?


The length of a year is different on every planet, as you probably know. So if these aliens were born on Mars they would be teenage there, but in their twenties by our measurements. To be a teenager on Jupiter would make them in their hundreds by our meagre earth years.






MUTANT?


This is perhaps the most stupid element, as it suggests that they are mutants as well as being aliens. So that would mean that they are aliens that don't look like the other aliens from their home world. Which seems... pointless? Or possibly just inaccurate, as the people at Michael Bay's Platinum Dune Studios *** may think the term 'mutant' is interchangeable with 'alien?'






NINJA?


Well, they could be ninja's I suppose, if trained as such. It seems like you'd have to be a pretty irresponsible ninja to train space aliens in the arts of espionage, sabotage, infiltration and assassination though.






TURTLES?


If they are aliens rather than mutated animals, surely it's just offensive to call them 'turtles,' in the same way it would be offensive to call an albino person a 'ferret?'


Choke! Choke on our prejudice!

Yes, so well done Michael Bay, you've somehow managed to take something special and turn it into a racial slur. 





*** Platinum Dune is the studio Michael Bay setup to remake/ruin film franchises. So far they have rebooted/spoiled:


His ultimate goal is to make a machine that replaces every single person from your memory with Shia Labeouf

"How about I give you your first kiss on the night Michael Jackson died? Oh, and we're rebooting you by the way. Your name is Hilary now. Sadly your old name didn't appeal to idiots, so we had to change it. LOL"

*EXPLOSION* *BIGGER EXPLOSIONS* *SOFT PORN* *EXPLOSION AT A REHAB FOR SOFT PORN ACTORS*









2 comments:

  1. I hoped this wasn't true, but I see now that there is no avoiding this hot mess of badgerdicking awfulness. OH GOD WHY?!

    Also, why are there still no major Hollywood productions about otters? Someone is missing a massive niche in the market. Just saying.

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    1. Wasn't there a film about a boy and his sea otter? I was out with a girl at the weekend, and she said that there'd been otter sightings in the river Irwell, which is a stretch of water which is escorted by concrete through Manchester city centre. It's like one of those long urinals at a festival.

      Michael Bay is a bad, bad man

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