Legging the Question

At some point late last year, I was walking through Preston City Centre when I saw a girl who seemed to be wearing a pair of tights as if they were trousers.

“Huh?”

I thought.

“That doesn’t seem right.”

But they must be tights, I assumed, because I could see her knickers through them. I’m not just talking about the outline either, I could totally make out the pattern, and even, although vaguely, the colour.

And then I started to see other girls wearing the same thing! I try not to oogle women, but I kept ending up walking behind these girls and becoming mesmerised by their darkly sheathed, yet fully displayed, bottoms, as if I was driving through a ‘bum ‘n’ muff’ exhibit in a tinted-windowed Volkswagen. I mentioned to my ex:

“I keep seeing girls wearing tights like trousers,”

And she told me:

“No, they’re not tights, they’re just cheap leggings from Primark.”

Imagine that! I realise that leggings are in fashion right now, but surely people who want to be in vogue can spare an extra couple of quid if it means not turning their nether regions into a shady viewing portal!?

“You think what you saw is bad,” my ex continued. “I saw a girl in Lidl wearing a pair, and she didn’t even have any knickers on.”

Grizzly innit!

I was confused by all this. I mean, do these girls not know how transparent their cheaply priced leggings actually are? If there are girls going out fully commando, you would imagine not, yet in Preston you couldn’t go out without seeing more fannies (UK meaning) and fannies (US meaning) than you could handle, so you’d think that one of them would twig on maybe? Unless they all just thought:

“God, look at all these tramps. Not like me. With my hot leggings.”

I felt like going up to one and saying:

“I can not only tell that you have a picture of Winnie the Pooh on your bottom, but also that he is scratching around inside a honey jar, and saying, ‘This pot is the stickiest,’ which I assume is some sort of crude anal sex reference.”

Although obviously I couldn’t do that, because that would have been mortifying for the poor girl. Perhaps I should have put posters up, saying:

“HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CROTCH? NO? ARE YOU SURE? TRY LOOKING DOWN BEFORE YOU ANSWER AGAIN.”

There’s also the possibility that they just don’t mind having their undies visible for all to see? I mean, they’ve paid for them, they might as well let everyone see what they’ve got for their money. A lot of my friends are into that hip style of dressing that involves letting your bum hang out from the top of your trousers, as if even belts are too oppressive for them. Maybe this is just an extension of that sort of business?

Whatever it is, I hope it’s over now anyway. If you wear cheap, black leggings, you should go in the bathroom and have a good old look to see what’s actually on display. Maybe it’s more obvious in daylight, so go outside and ask a stranger:

“What’s Tigger asking Eeyore?”

If you are wearing the cheap ones, go out and treat yourself to an opaque pair! I mean, if fur coats were in fashion, you wouldn’t buy a rat fur cardigan would you, as if it were the same thing? 

UPDATE: Since I started writing this entry, I have seen some girls in Salford doing the same thing. They were boarding a train to Manchester when I saw them too, so they may be in the city RIGHT NOW!

And oh yes, while we are on the subject of leggings, let’s talk about leggings! And, more specifically, the 80’s revival.

Do you realise that the 80’s revival has actually been going on for twelve years now, which is longer than the actual 1980’s managed in the first place? Which makes you ask yourself several hard-hitting questions:

1. Fuck?
2. How long will it go on for? and
3. What happens if it never ends?

Having now lasted longer than the original, does this mean that the true 80’s is actually ‘now,’ in the same way that Lenny Kravatz is the true Jimi Hendrix?

Only time will tell. Or possibly some sort of psychic. Although we will then have to wait for time to verify what the psychic said. And then kill the psychic if they got it right, before they get chance to predict 'SECRET PROJECT X.' 

Err... which doesn't exist obviously...