The first place I went to see was in Ardwick. For those of you that don't know, Ardwick is a ten square-mile open-prison on the East side of Oxford road. Which was a shame, because the woman who owned the house seemed nice. Or at least I think she did, as it was hard to hear her over all the police sirens. The place had a nice garden too, but the problem with that was that as soon as you stepped outside you immediately remembered that you were in Ardwick again. And Ardwick is a bad place.
The worstest place I saw was frankly just bizarre! After making our way through the living room (literally just a sofa in a hall way), the landlady and I made our way into the kitchen. I had a bit of a mooch about,
"It looks alright," I thought,
and then started trying to make my way outside into the yard, where I discovered a massive, multi-coloured, and chemicals smelling puddle. It was vast, and the colours in it were many.
"Nice puddle," I said, before bursting out laughing.
"Some sort of leak," the landlady muttered.
But I knew it was no simple leak. If there's one thing that cartoons from the eighties and nineties have taught me, it's how to correctly identify a puddle of toxic waste when I see one, and this was definitely a puddle of toxic waste. There were actually small animals that had become caught up in it mutating in the corner, including an 'Infant Mutant Ninjitsu Sparrow,' and an 'Unclearly-Aged Mutant Interprative Dance Hedgehog.'
As I looked about, I realised that the puddle wasn't even the only disgusting thing on display. Other things of note (factual) included:
- A massive pan full of old pasta (a cleaning technique that's commonly adopted by first-time divorced bachelors in their fifties)
- Multiple gas cannisters.
- Some sort of big clump of food that was absolutely covered in mould. The covering was so extensive, and the shape of it so strange, that I couldn't tell what the food originally was, although possibly it was a pea that got too close to the toxic waste and turned into some sort of cross between P.C. Pod, from the 'Poddington Peas' and the human/xenomorph hybrid from 'Alien Ressurection?' Either that or a big piece of meat anyway.
Other other things of note (fictional) were:
- An aborted Godzilla foetus.
- A 'health and safety' free poison factory run by AIDS rats.
- Jude Law's bukakke firing range.
And then there was the bedroom. Which was not so much a bedroom, as it was a small shop that had been converted. Although it wasn't so much converted, as they'd just put a manky bed in what was clearly still a tacky shop. The pisces de la soul was the fact that one of the walls was a massive window with dirty, metal shutters on the other side of it. Which would be good if I was a sex guy, and I wanted to entice exhibitionist young women/men/things back to my lust-pad for peep show type fuck orgies. But I don't want that, so I told her,
"I'll get back to you,"
then laughed, then left the building.
The search continues...