There are three settings on my shower:
· Colder than space
· Hotter than hotel sex
I am able to switch between these three through the use of a circular dial, and it's been my experience that 49.5% of it's radius activates the setting which sprays you with freezing cold bullets of liquid “ouch”, a further 49.5% is hot, i.e. the setting that that limply engulfs you in soggy fire like a poorly flame-thrower, and the remaining 1% provides you with a reasonably strong spray of reasonably warm water.
EXCEPT THAT SOMETIMES EVEN THAT DOES NOT HOLD TRUE!
This morning, after having spent 45 minutes trying to achieve a tolerable level of showerage, the head suddenly started jibbing random bursts of scalding/freezing water at me, resulting in me exploding like the xenomorph at the end of Alien 3.
AND NOW ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Although I allow myself to get frustrated at the infernal contraption, I am tragically aware that my fury is wasted on an inanimate object. But what if it were not an inanimate object? So today, after my exploded parts had turned into liquid and reformed, I decided to teach my fucking shower a lesson.
And so I gathered the Magic Squad!
WITCH DOCTOR FOX
THE ONLY PLUMBER WE COULD GET AT SHORT NOTICE (IN CASE WE WERE TO ACCIDENTALLY DISTURB SOME IMPORTANT PIPING).
My buttocks are actually more scarred than that as a result of some medical expermients I've been involved in. I'll probably explain that in another post...
However, before we’d even had chance to swing them about, the plumber pointed out that the model of shower that I own can actually be morphed into a real person by simply replacing the standard pony hinch with a type-ten backwards livery nut.
The plumber scurried into a protruding green pipe, saying he’d have to get the part from some goomba he knew, but he promised his return, and return he did, meaning that we were now able to anthromorphasise my shower!
For some reason I am the bad guy from Poltergeist 2 in this picture...
I enjoyed my actions immensely. And word has obviously spread, seeing as the toaster has now discovered a setting between, ‘ash’ and ‘bread,’ and my alarm clock’s ‘snooze’ functionality has been replaced with a second ‘off’ button. Yes, so quiver before for me:
For now I am become death, destroyer of minor appliances!