Emergency Rainbow

Recently I saw an interesting poster. Or possibly I dreamt that I saw an interesting poster. Either way, what was written on it was the number:

111

Which is apparently the number you're now supposed to call instead of 999 if you have a 'not-so-urgent-emergency.'

Anyway, this made me think, why don't we have a total grading system with 000 being 'not very important' and 999 being 'OH MY CHRISTING FUCK PONY IT IS SERIOUS!!!'

I've deduced how the grading for that system will work, because I'm such a good citizen.

000

Level of Importance - 'Meh'

This is the number to call if:

• You think you might be hungry.
• You thought you saw a wasp, but it was just a fly with a bit of stuff on it.
• You thought you remembered something bad that happened to you, but then realised that you were actually thinking about something that happened to a character in the Newcastle based comedy film 'Purely Belter.'

111

Level of Importance - 'Oh'

This is the number to call if:

• You just found your first grey pube.
• You've been bitten by a worm
• The girl used slightly too much teeth, and you're probably gonna have to give it a rest for an hour or two.

222

Level of Importance - 'Oh really?'

This is the number to call if:

• An old lady just gave you a tube of lube and pulled her skirt up to reveal of model of strap-on known as 'The Tenderiser.' Sure it's intimidating, but she's probably too old to follow through on it, right?
• A young person approached you and said some words. You didn't understand them, but you are worried that you may have just been groomed.
• You just found a coked out Kerry Katona in a freezer at Iceland. This seems like it should be more of a priority, but it happens far too often to take seriously. However, if the freezer you've found her in contains Cornettos, call 777 straight away. She is a wicked shot with a Cornetto. Wicked.

333

Level of Importance - 'Oh dear oh dear.’

This is the number to call if:

• You’ve just booked The Fall to perform in your house (we really need a heads up on that sort of thing).
• Members of the paparazzi are being eaten by wolves (we won’t stop it, but we will need to spray the area with cleaning fluid before their stinky innards rot away the pavement).
• You work in a pharmacy, and The Riddler just came in and bought eighteen boxes of laxatives. It’s more than likely going to be less of a nuisance than his usual antics, but clearly he is up to something.

444

Level of Importance - 'You should probably get that seen to.’

This is the number to call if:

• You've just seen a Middle Eastern man with a bomb, but you are kind of at an event called, 'Modern Bombs Expo 2012,' and he is one of the main speakers. Still, better safe than sorry.
• There is an old, Scottish woman in Marks and Spencers, and she is hanging around an aisle that is conspicuously free of shortbread.
• You are trying to film your child's first steps, and James Cameron has turned up and started berating for you for not adopting 3D filming technology for your home movie (we will try and get rid of him, but to be honest, it's going to be easier to get him off your back if you agree to convert to 3D in post production. The man's belief that a film's depth should come from novelty glasses rather than story telling is unstoppable).

555

Level of Importance - 'Now it's serious!’

This is the number to call if:

• You've just opened a florists, and one of the flowers has a penchant for musical numbers, eating people, and Rick Moranis. 'The Little Shop of Horrors.' It's a reference to 'The Little Shop of Horrors.'
• You accidentally decapitated an elderly relative with a dessert spoon last Tuesday, and you've not been able to get rid of the erection since. We'll drain that sucker for you anyway feller. Not arrest you or something. Honest mate. Honest.
• Voldemort has returned. And yeah, you are only worthy of 555 'he who shall not be named,' as your stock has well plummeted since you got dicked on by Daniel Radcliffe you slit nosed idiot. You should have made one of the Horcrux's Chuck Norris! He is indestructable!

666

Level of Importance – ‘SPECIFICALLY SATANIC SHAFUCKERY!’

In honour of our lord and graviour, Lucifer Ellen Antichrist, this is the number to call if:

• You named your son Damien, and have just found a half-eaten primary school teacher under his crib. Dumb ass.
• You just woke up at Antwerp Mansion, and can't tell if you need a shit or an exorcism.
• The devil traded you an iPad3 for your soul, and now you're worried that he's going to find out that it's already the property of Toys'R'Us, having promised it to them for a Buzz Lightyear action figure in 1995. ***

777

Level of Importance - 'DICKING NORA!'

This is the number to call if:

• You've just seen Axel Foley, and he looks like he's come to the end of his tether with following the rules.
• It's the year 2000, and the E.U. look like they are just about to let Greece adopt the Euro.
• You know where Kony is hiding.

I should really point out that I never actually read any of those Kony posts on Facebook, and have very little idea as to who he actually is. Other than the fact that he is a demented robot from the future, who is determined to make everyone adopt the new Facebook 'Timeline' profile.

Death to Kony!!! Death to the Future Men!!!

888

Level of Importance - 'SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!!!'

This is the number to call if:

• What you thought was a queue of low-bred people at Farmfoods, is actually a relatively organised, yet no less low-bred, zombie infestation.
• Dogs have worked out that they are the ones with the teeth.
• Superman is being molested by a dragon.

999

Level of Importance - 'OH MY FUCKING BISCUIT!!!!'

This is the number to call if:

• You have just run into the scout party of a species of extremely well hung aliens, and their leader tells you, "You've got a real purty mouth boy. Now take me to your leader so we can get this good old fashioned, non-consensual space orgy started."
• You've just seen the devil, and he was measuring stuff and jotting down notes on a clipboard.
• Jim Davidson has been given a new, prime-time Saturday night TV show called, 'Send them Back,' in which pretty much what you are imagining occurs.

I'm not very good at drawing penises.

Anyway, that's it, now do one!

*** Is that the second joke I've made on this blog relating to the shortage of Buzz Lightyear action figures around Christmas 1995? Already?

If it is, tough basically. I only know so many cultural references, so there will be repetition. Tedious, dull, repetition.

Repetition.

REPETITION!

There will be repetition.

Reptition.

Repetition spelt correctly.

Repetition.

"Shhh..."

Repetition.

Repetition.

Repetition.

Repe....